Financial Infidelity: How to Rebuild Trust and Move Forward

Financial infidelity. It’s another form of cheating less talked about than sexual infidelity within a marriage, but certainly present in relationships today. According to a 2018 study published in the Journal of Financial Therapy, 27% of those surveyed said they had kept a financial secret from their partner. Some examples of financial infidelity include opening credit cards secretly, spending large sums online shopping or gambling, and making risky investments without collaboration with your partner. Just like sexual infidelity, many marriages and relationships are tested and sometimes destroyed over financial infidelity.

I’d like to share a story about a couple that I worked with previously.

When Eric and Carmen* first met in Chicago as ambitious 20-somethings, Carmen was very attracted to Eric’s sense of financial responsibility. He was an up and coming marketing executive, with a home of his own and his bills, always paid. Carmen also had a good income and steady career track in nursing but had a good deal of student loan debt and a bit of a shopping habit. “I grew up in an upper-middle-class home, having most things that I wanted, so when I saw something I wanted to buy, I usually just bought it.” Carmen felt a strong sense of safety with Eric and said she knew he would always take care of her and would make a wonderful father someday. They got married and started a family almost immediately.

With the birth of their first child and deciding to be a stay-at-home mother, Carmen says she grappled with anxiety and often felt feelings of hopelessness. “I loved my beautiful baby and found so much joy in my role as a mom, but I didn’t value myself as much because I wasn’t contributing financially to the household anymore and I just felt lost.” That’s when Carmen said she began spending more and more time online shopping. “It started as an ‘I need to treat myself more” mentality as a new mom, but it spiraled out pretty quickly, and soon I knew I was letting it get out of hand.”

Carmen started hiding purchases that were delivered to the house and would scurry to the mailbox to intercept any credit card bills before Eric could see them. “I guess I was filling a void somehow. I just didn’t think about the long term consequences of having that much debt”, Carmen said. Between 3 secret credit card accounts, Carmen had accumulated over $60,000 in debt.

Things came to light when Eric received a debt collection letter to the house. “I was in total shock. How could I not know she had this much debt? I felt completely betrayed and angry at Carmen. She hadn’t cheated on me with another man, but I still felt like there had been infidelity. What else was she hiding? I didn’t trust her anymore.”

Clearly, this was an issue that needed to be worked through and stretched beyond just a financial plan to get out of this situation.

So what can you do when you or your spouse or partner experience financial infidelity within your relationship? Here, we’ll discuss some steps you can take.

Own Up to The Problem

Certainly step one is to identify the issue and admit that there is or has been financial infidelity. This could mean that it will be up to you to confront your partner if you suspect there is a problem, or it could be you that has been committing the financial transgressions. If you are the one who is concerned that your partner has not been honest about financial behavior, approach him or her gently and ask for information. There is a great deal of emotion that surrounds our money and to have the most honest conversation about what is happening is to avoid defensiveness and avoidance, so try your best to take a non-accusatory approach with your discussion. If it’s you that need to open up to your spouse or partner about your behavior, now is the time. The sooner this is off of your chest, and you let your spouse in on what has been going on, the better. The repair cannot begin until the problem is out in the open. Set up a time to talk and take some deep breaths. There is likely going to be hurt feelings and heated language, but it is necessary to get beyond this.

Assess the Cause of the Financial Infidelity

Financial infidelity can often be a symptom of another problem. The problem could be in the relationship; for example, one partner feeling inferior because they do not contribute as much financially, and looking to self-medicate with excessive spending. Or there may be a legitimate addiction issue, such as a gambling problem. Finding the root cause of the matter is not typically simple, but taking the time to talk and get to the bottom of what may be causing these behaviors will pay dividends in the long run. Neither party in the relationship will be able to change the undesirable practices until the problematic thinking can be identified and addressed.

Communication is Key

While having precisely the same attitudes and practices involving money is not a prerequisite for a successful relationship, communication is. Two people can differ in some regards on saving and spending, but it’s essential to be transparent with each other regarding these differences as they apply to your shared goals as a couple. For example, if you both want to buy a home in the next five years, communicating with each other about what your budget needs to be and sticking to it will be paramount. Much of the resentment that can come from financial infidelity stims from one partner feeling as if they will not be able to have the future they envisioned because the other partner is roadblocking it with these behaviors. If you are clear about what needs to be done to achieve a specific financial goal, outline it in detail and discuss it together so there is no confusion as to what your plans are together and what it will take to get there. Scheduling a monthly meeting to talk about your goals may seem stuffy and formal, but in the hectic day to day of life, these talks can be rushed through to the detriment of all, so put it on the calendar.

Share in Financial Tasks

Having all hands on deck when it comes to managing the household finances is always a good idea. That is not to say that there has to be shared accounts across the board, but having everyone’s eyes on what is coming in and going out of accounts is helpful.

You can share account information and even use account alerts that will notify each other if there is any unusual activity on your accounts. This tool not only helps to hold yourself and each other accountable with your spending, but it will help in combatting fraud through identity theft.

Along the same lines as your monthly sit-down to discuss your overall finances, you can schedule a night a week to go over current bills. Having this allotted time will allow you both to go over the bills, check for discrepancies or errors and pay them together.

Get Help

If you think that you may need some assistance in getting things back on track, don’t be afraid to enlist some help. Finding what the root cause is for the financial transgressions can take some time and introspection, so seeking out individual counseling may help explore what kind of thinking or errors in judgment originated the behaviors. There may also be a need for counseling as a couple. Trust is often damaged through financial infidelity, and a counselor can help facilitate open communication and give you both the tools to use as you heal and rebuild trust. You may want to enlist the help of a fiduciary financial advisor as well during this process as there is likely some practical steps that can be taken to remediate the monetary damage done as well as help you with budgeting and keeping all involved accountable.

In the case of Carmen and Eric, they found common ground and were able to move forward with their relationship and heal. It was a challenge for them, and they will still tell you that there are whispers of trust issues that have flowed over into other areas of their marriage since that time, but overall they say that communication and full transparency has helped immensely and they are doing well.

Financial infidelity is not always a simple thing to define. Primarily, when secrets involving money are kept from one another in a relationship, what may seem like small financial “cheats” can snowball into larger, more devastating secrets. Talking to your partner and keeping the lines of communication open regarding the separation of expenses and income, financial goals, and budgeting can protect your relationship from the consequences of financial infidelity.

To read more, visit the Farther-FamilyVest blog or to speak with us regarding financial services, contact us today.

*Names and some details have been changed to protect identities.

Farther-FamilyVest is your local Fiduciary Financial Advisor in Destin and fiduciary financial advisor on 30A!